Free Champagne

I'm a 23-year-old human disaster in Manhattan.

passific-rim-job:

nedsseveredhead:

I feel so proud when friends tell me their parents like me. Like damn right they do, I am a delight.

a friend’s dad once hugged me goodbye and said “you’re like the daughter i never had” and his wife is like “you
have a daughter

(via simply-sloth)

math problems by Simon Rich

theneweryork:

Unit 4 Test

Please show your work.

1. A name-brand bottle of rum costs $12.95. The generic brand sells for $7.50. If a math teacher buys 4 bottles of generic rum each week, how much does he save each month? How much does he save each year? How much money does the teacher save over the…

a conversation at the grown-ups’ table as imagined at the kids’ table by Simon Rich

  • MOM: Pass the wine, please. I want to become crazy.
  • DAD: Okay.
  • GRANDMOTHER: Did you see the politics? It made me angry.
  • DAD: Me too. When it was over, I had sex.
  • UNCLE: I’m having sex right now.
  • DAD: We all are.
  • MOM: Let’s talk about which kid I like best.
  • DAD: (laughing) You know, but you won’t tell.
  • MOM: If they ask me again, I might tell.
  • FRIEND FROM WORK: Hey, guess what? My voice is pretty loud!
  • DAD: (laughing) There are actual monsters in the world, but when my kids ask I pretend like there aren’t.
  • MOM: I’m angry! I’m angry all of a sudden!
  • DAD: I’m angry too! We’re angry at each other!
  • MOM: Now everything is fine.
  • DAD: We just saw the PG-13 movie. It was so good.
  • MOM: There was a big sex.
  • FRIEND FROM WORK: I am the loudest! I am the loudest!
  • (Everybody laughs)
  • MOM: I had a lot of wine, and now I’m crazy!
  • GRANDFATHER: Hey, do you guys know what God looks like?
  • All: Yes.
  • GRANDFATHER: Don’t tell the kids.
  • what she says: "i'm fine"
  • what she means: "chris evans you fucking meatball why do i love you"
Monster” is derived from the Latin noun monstrum, “divine portent,” itself formed on the root of the verb monere, “to warn.” It came to refer to living things of anomalous shape or structure, or to fabulous creatures like the sphinx who were composed of strikingly incongruous parts, because the ancients considered the appearance of such beings to be a sign of some impending supernatural event. Monsters, like angels, functioned as messengers and heralds of the extraordinary. They served to announce impending revelation, saying, in effect, “Pay attention; something of profound importance is happening.
— My Words to Victor Frankenstein: by Susan Stryker (via whatmonstrosity)

(via simply-sloth)

Who taught me to suck in my stomach,
or my cheeks?
Who told me to stand with my legs apart
and my hips thrust back
to create the illusion of a gap
between my thighs?
Who made me believe that the most beautiful part of me
is my negative space?
Negative Space (via perfect)

(Source: , via queergh0st)

You and Me.
We were never in love.
But, Oh boy,
We could have been.
4:09pm (via genesus)

(Source: flowauh, via youmebmd)

orangewave:

sagethenate:

orangewave:

i mean really, who doesn’t want to be a mermaid

the little mermaid

fucking christ

(via shooting-up-pie-in-the-sky)

sassy-hook:

pleasant-trees:

aprilsvigil:

manticoreimaginary:

Watching this (and fearing broken ankles with each loop) I can’t helping thinking about that old quote Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, except backwards and in high heels.

But no, if you watch closely you’ll see she doesn’t even step on the last chair. That means she had to trust that fucker to lift her gently to the ground while he was spinning down onto that chair. That takes major guts. I’d be pissing myself and fearing a broken neck if I were in her place. Kudos to her. 

I can’t stop watching this. 

#I watched this for too long to not reblog

sassy-hook:

pleasant-trees:

aprilsvigil:

manticoreimaginary:

Watching this (and fearing broken ankles with each loop) I can’t helping thinking about that old quote Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, except backwards and in high heels.

But no, if you watch closely you’ll see she doesn’t even step on the last chair. That means she had to trust that fucker to lift her gently to the ground while he was spinning down onto that chair. That takes major guts. I’d be pissing myself and fearing a broken neck if I were in her place. Kudos to her. 

I can’t stop watching this. 

(Source: ohrobbybaby, via nevertrustatrickster)

Ultralite Powered by Tumblr | Designed by:Doinwork